Heybabeimwearingurpanties
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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