Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
