Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
