she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
