Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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