There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Found your dick twin last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
