i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
