why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize