a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
