Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
