Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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