who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm sobbing to NWA
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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