At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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