I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
