its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
