Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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