Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
