When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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