i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
