no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
