Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
