It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
