mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
