you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
3 2 1 whiskey
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
