i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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