I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
