I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
