i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
