Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
