I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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