Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We need to get me chipped asap
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
