Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
