I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
