She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
