if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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