I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i think i have two assholes
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
