is your mom at the bar?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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