Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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