i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
