Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
