I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
