how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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