I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
