You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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