bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize