the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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