today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
