I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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