how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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