Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
