I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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