I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
