last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
