You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
this boner is exhausting
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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