its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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