so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
