apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
