I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
