i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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