I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
