at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize