she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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