And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
PANTIES FOUND
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
